They are making a film of Pride & Prejudice with Zombies - if you haven't read this book you NEED to - it's brilliant!

(bbc news link) I am so happy about this! XDDD

On the 10th day of Crimbo my true love said to me
'BLEURGH!'

On the 11th day of Crimbo my true love said to me
Happy Birthday Aunty Joan and Ali-bonk (must remember to post the cards today - whoops!)

and this:


has got me laughing so hard it hurts - and Cambridge is a world-renowned seat of learning and intelligence! yeah right!

On the 8th Day of Crimbo I spent the day in tears over poor Jorge and feeling terrible. I can't afford to take him to the vets til the New Year and it's breaking my heart.

On the 9th Day of Crimbo I failed to attend a meeting at school with Jack as we were waiting for a bus for over half an hour and both starting to get agitated and shaky. Came back home and made cheese on toast - much better. And then I'm uploading a ton of pics to photobucket and it closes down for maintainance! I mean! WTF?! Does not really bode well for my therapy session this afternoon though - oh bugger! I haven't done my homework for that either ...

On the 5th Day of Crimbo my true love said to me
What the hell is that??!!


Mill Road Winter Fair - guaranteed loonies on every side!
Had a lovely Morroccan Lamb in the Blue with Parents and totally failed to make it out to the parties.
Instead watched Once Upon a Time In Mexico - Antonio Banderas and Johnny Depp - that's what I call WIN!


On the 6th Day of Crimbo my true love said to me
Snuggle Day!

On the 7th Day of Crimbo my true love said to me
Just how old are you? As I decorated the Crimbo card envelopes!


gosh that pic's big and fuzzy - double FAIL!

I'm supposed to be going out today - first to meet up with my parents at the Blue after having a look at the Mill Rd Winter Fair, and then in the evening there's the NaNo wrap party and then Leigh's birthday.
I'm not sure I have the strength for it all but I'm going to try.
Spoke with my therapist about setting small goals re:going out. Just little things - like going for grocery shopping on my own - which I did on Thursday and felt very proud of myself. Though I did buy myself too many treats/bribes for doing so and then felt quite sick on Thursday night/Friday morning.
Yesterday I also went out - took Jack to the dr and then dropped him at school before heading home on my own. I'd intended to go to the shops on the way home but I'd been out for almost 3 hours by this point and was starting to get shaky so I went straight home instead. The treats this time were proper hot chocolate and a choc marzipan bar at the lovely French Chocolatiers in town. Very yummy! Also nauseatingly sweet.
Now I'm tired. All this facing my fears and actually actively trying to overcome them is very draining.
If I had my way I'd be spending the day snuggled under my duvet with LJ and youtube and Haribo sweets.
Jack is going to come up MIll Rd with me so I will do that, the Winter Fair is usually a waste of time but I feel I should support it, and I'll get a couple of pints of real beer for my trouble (I have to have a treat at the end - I'm bribing myself to do these things - it is working a little I suppose, but I feel like such a child for doing it)
It's the evening events I'm not sure I can manage. How should I treat myself for doing them? Also I'm a little worried that the only way I'd deal with it would be to get supremely drunk and that's not a good thing. And Ann badgering me about Leigh's thing is beginning to get on my nerves.

meh

must get dressed I suppose ...

On the 4th day of Crimbo my true love said to me
PROPER HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!

and fingers covered in glue and glitter *joy*

On the 3rd day of Crimbo my true love said to me:
NEVER go food shopping when you're hungry!! (I bought so much crap!)

Strangely James did not seem to appreciate his High School Musical choccie advent calendar ... very strange *rofl*snorts*

On the 2nd day of Crimbo my true love said to me
Making Crimmy cards is FUN!
(needs more glitter!)



I had such a meh day yesterday - so tired and emotional, and still full of cold. My therapist thinks I may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is reccommending me for intensive therapy, and is also rethinking her approach to the anxiety problems ... we'll see how it goes I guess. And the benefits office has fucked up mightily so I still haven't had any money! Amused myself making a gluey mess of my bed and watching Naito lives - I have a much deeper appreciation of Sakito as a man now ... Gods, that evil sexy smirk ... XDDD

Yep, it's that time of year again ...

On the first day of Crimbo, my true love said to me
Let's put up that fecking tree!

Stage 1 of Operation Tinselify complete!



Told you I was as bad a tinsel whore as Uchan!

so no-one wants one? right?

no-one loves me *sniffs*

Right F-list, who would like a Crimbo card this year?
I have an urge to start making some ... so, if you do let me know, and leave your address (obviously)

comments will be screened so don't panic!

Had a good but ultimately strange evening/night yesterday.
angels_scream , riverofdragons and idle_amateur came over and we watched Harvey, which is one of my all time favourite films ever - so lovely! And there was a brief 'ice-cream!' mission in the middle XD
Then Festival - which turned out ot be totally not Jack-proof! When the Puppet-man was getting fisted I had my hands over my eyes going 'oh gods' and feeling very sorry for my son, but all he said was 'Never fist a gorilla til it cries!' - thank you Russell Howard! My son has been warped from an early age - it's ok *gibbers quietly*
And to Jo - gash badger still remains my favourite *snorts*

Then James returned from a teenage party with his mate Ike in tow - Ike was green so we sent him to bed, with James and Jack looking after him very sweetly. James fell over while trying to undo his shoe lace and I almost wet myself laughing *considerate parent that I am*
I msged Sarah to let her know her son was at mine and green and she rang for a chat (this is 1am btw). We're going to try and meet up maybe on Sunday hopefully. I miss her so much *sighs* then as I'm going to bed I receive this msg from her: wanted 2 tell u i miss u more than u could know! And I'm in tears - because I miss her so much, and I was quite drunk and emotional. We were so close and then she got married, for reasons I am still not 100% clear on but had very little to do with love and romance, and she disappeared out of my life just like that! Since the summer we've been back in contact and have met up 3 times, and each time it's like no time has passed. I know I'm coming across like a lovesick puppy here but I really do love her, so very much. And I'm sitting here wondering how we never moved past the drunken cuddles and being 'best friends' to anything more. Then again I'm not sure I ever wanted, or even want now, that kind of relationship with her but ... damn I'm confused! It's ok to be mildly in love with your friends, right?!

James (as our female cat claws her way over his shoulder): "Well, this just goes to prove that all any female wants is to get their claws into you ... *pause* ... that was quite sexist of me, wasn't it? ... *further pause* ... I'll have to remember that one! *grins*"



oh dear oh dear oh dear!

Jack has returned home yet again - 3 times this morning.
We sat down and talked. He's developed an anxiety problem with going to school. I've been thinking he was depressed for a while, but put it down to general teenage hormonal angst and him being a bit of a bitch. Also I hadn't wanted to make an issue of it because I wasn't convinced that would help anyone. I can't ignore it any more though, and he needs some help, since I'm failing in that department. Went through a checklist I have and he answered yes or often to everything. We have a dr appointment next week now.
I'm feeling terrible about the whole thing - back to the nature vs. nurture argument - whatever way you look at it, this is my fault. The anxiety issue is so similar to my own I can't help wondering if it's psychosymmatic of his concern for me? (and of course that makes me feel bad that I'm turning Jack's problem into my own issue - I'm not, but my brain is a devious, manipulative bitch) But at least, for once, he can accept that I do know how he's feeling.
So I've run him a big bubble bath (they're still my babies no matter what age they are) and we're going to talk more later and have a bit of a snuggle day on the settee.
Wish I could do more really.

I have so much I need to do today - sooooo much - so of course I am sitting in my dressing gown (and a jumper cos it's freezing) online going 'meh'

but I have to ... I don't want to ... *whines like a child*

to Ville Valo *hubba hubba*

Ryoga (trying not to be a dirty old perv here)

and my darling angels_scream - sorry I'm being such a mardy cow at the mo - but I do love you and wish you an amazing birthday xxx

I had such an odd dream last night - I was checking out cats and dogs from a rescue home, but they had to come and live with me for a while. Though it wasn't my house at all but an amalgam of older homes and my Nana's carpet *yuk* And you chose them from the Tv screen then they were sent through this bizarre fax contraption, plopping out onto the carpet and going 'woof' or 'mew', which was really cute!
There was a beautiful white cat with faint ginger/gold markings called Emma and she was definitely going to stay - she didn't like the crunchies I had but I promised her fish crackers and then she was happy! And she was called Emma because of Jane Austen, so she was very happy that I liked her favourite author.
And dogs too - I'm really not a dog person - there was a mangy Chiuaua (how do you spell that? I don't care!) with a head scarf and a pink bandana round its neck - which it wouldn't let me remove. I'm standing there, hands on hips going 'but it looks so stupid!' and the dog is 'I don't care!' so it had to go.
But there was a cute scottie type dog, chocolate coloured called Shandy (which was the name of the chocolate-coloured scottie dog my Nana's friend had when I was very small) and he was giving me cuddles - proper, put your arms round someone's neck and hug them to death cuddles! And I declared 'Your name shall be Bruce the third!' and he was so happy and stayed with me.
( I should point out that Bruce was a toy dog I had as a child and I now have Bruce 2)

ok, yeah ... hmm ...

You'll be pleased to hear I'm smiling today - why? because I'm downloading some Japanese Xmas songs and laughing my arse off merrily!

BoA's R&B version of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is classic! And she samples Eye of the Tiger *roflsnorts*
And then there's Nightmare's Rudolph - oh dear gods! Rocked out metal Rudolph with Yomi going crazy! so much fun!
Gackt's Sirent Night had me just about wetting myself in glee!
and a few anime ones too - Jingery Bell anyone?! *ill laughing*

I should add I LOVE Xmas cheese and I love the Japanese language but put them together and ... I can't type for laughing!

Thought the Japanese version of Silent Night (in Japanese and not being silly or cheesey) is really beautiful.

I think I might have to change my dr - I'm not sure she's grasping the seriousness of the current situation.
I was a bit of a wreck after the appointment - really pleased Ann came with me and kept up her incessant chatter about work that I normally find so irritating but today it felt somehow comforting - normal if that makes sense.

So I'm sitting here now, not getting very far with my NaNo, playing Solitaire and listening to my music when a strange thought occurs - does listening to music in a language I understand only at the basest level have an adverse effect on my mood? does it exaccerbate these horrible feelings of dislocation and isolation?
And then Calm Envy came on, followed by Mahora, and I was in floods of tears, the guitars searing my soul and my heart wrung to breaking by the emotion in the lyrics of each.
Followed by Silly God Disco and now Kiss Twice.
And I cheered up XD

brushing my hair after washing it just now and huge clumps are coming out in my hands - way more than the usual, way more than is acceptable - OMG! MY HAIR!!!!!! - seriously whole tresses coming out in my hands. Thankfully my hair is so thick you cant really tell but it feels thinner to me at the back. MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!
I do not want stress-induced alopecia (or however you spell it)
*sobs*